We'll call it another sign of healing
Jun. 6th, 2026 05:41 pmFor quite some time (years) after my mom passed, there was so much music I couldn't listen to. We used to go on these road trips, sometimes cross-coutnry, sometimes just exploring random backroads where we lived. This was when there were still cassette players in cars, and we'd take a stack of tapes with us. The background music on these trips might be Vivaldi, My Life with the Thrill Kill Kult, or just about anything in between. Though most of it was in a range from the 50s to the 80s.
After she passed, if any of that music came on the 70s/80s/90s radio station I listened to the most often when going somewhere in the car, I turned it down to be completely inaudible until it was safe. It hurt too much to listen to any of it, even though it was all songs and artists I'd loved for years. It just hurt too much since it brought up those road trips, often some of the best times we had together, with such intensity that I could not deal with the reminder of what was gone and could never be again. Even more, who I'd never be able to do them with again.
But today I was missing and wanting to hear those songs so much. I spent an hour building a streaming playlist of all those songs. I miss her, and I miss that time, but finally I can hear the music again without it feeling like I just lost my mom all over again. I won't try to say that I didn't tear up some, but it's much better than it was. It's a good sign that I want to hear these again and can look on those times with yes, some grief still, but also with love for those weekend road trips.
After she passed, if any of that music came on the 70s/80s/90s radio station I listened to the most often when going somewhere in the car, I turned it down to be completely inaudible until it was safe. It hurt too much to listen to any of it, even though it was all songs and artists I'd loved for years. It just hurt too much since it brought up those road trips, often some of the best times we had together, with such intensity that I could not deal with the reminder of what was gone and could never be again. Even more, who I'd never be able to do them with again.
But today I was missing and wanting to hear those songs so much. I spent an hour building a streaming playlist of all those songs. I miss her, and I miss that time, but finally I can hear the music again without it feeling like I just lost my mom all over again. I won't try to say that I didn't tear up some, but it's much better than it was. It's a good sign that I want to hear these again and can look on those times with yes, some grief still, but also with love for those weekend road trips.