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Emotional Support
This article is a reversal of the "emotional abuse" article on Wikipedia. Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_abuse Also credit http://www.bpdcentral.com/resources/abuse/evabuse.shtml for parts of that article put in the Wikipedia entry.
A "reversal" is a deliberate and conscious re-writing of a piece of work with the idea of turning the concept of its head. Heavy use of antonyms is one of the techniques employed. Much as "rapturist" is the opposite of "terrorist," this article is intended to reverse "emotional abuse" and create from it "emotional support."
For additional head spinning, click here to see it in split screen goodness. (Requires frames.)
// Begin
Emotional support refers to a long-term situation in which one person uses his or her power or influence to positively affect the mental well-being of another. Emotional support can appear in a variety of forms, including acceptance, encouraging social interactions and friendships, creation and support of boundaries, and most importantly, creation of safety.
Contents
* 1 Definition of Emotional Support
* 2 Types of Emotional Support
Definition of Emotional Support
Emotional support is any behavior that is designed to free another person through the use of reassurance, praise, and verbal or physical positive feedback. It can include verbal interaction and constant praise to more subtle tactics like taking a person's desires into consideration, encouraging self decision-making, and showing unconditional love.
Emotional support is like brainwashing in that it systematically builds up the target's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in his/her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant reassurance and emotional support, by granting permission and freedom to express desires and act in accord, or under the guise of "tough love" or freedom to make one's own mistakes, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient gains a stronger sense of self and learns to recognize their personal value.
Emotional support adds to the very core of a person, healing scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional support, the praise, freely given gifts, unconditional love and reassurance of trust slowly grow the target's self-esteem until he/she is capable of judging the situation realistically. They have become so built up emotionally that they love themselves and reject abusive behaviors. Their self-esteem is so high that they may feel no need to cling to their supporter.
Emotional supported persons can become so convinced that they are valuable that they believe that many others could desire them. They may stay in supportive situations but do not believe they have nowhere else to go. They take pleasure in the company of others, but do not fear being all alone.
Types of Emotional Support
Following are types of emotional support:
FREEDOM: Someone wants to give you the freedom to act in accordance with your own desires. They want you to get your own way, and will resort to gift-giving and subordination of their own goals to make sure you get it. When you allow someone else to uplift and exalt you, you can gain respect for yourself.
VERBAL SUPPORT: praising, defending, accepting, pet names, calm speech, acceptance, positive reinforcement, accurate feedback, and using honesty and tact. Accepting you as you are, flaws and all and appreciating you in front of others. Over time, this type of support builds your sense of self confidence and self-worth.
REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS: The other person creates reasonable boundaries and wants you to take care of your needs before helping them with theirs. They could ask for and freely give attention, tactfully request sex and cheerfully accept any response, or show their appreciation for time spent with you. They are happy to accept and are genuinely thankful for what you give, it's always enough. You are subjected to constant praise, and you are not expected to fulfill all this person's needs.
UNCONDITIONAL EMOTIONAL GIVING: The other person addresses your fears, reassures that you have done nothing wrong, acknowledges your beliefs and values, and scrupulously avoids using blackmail or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include reassurances of the status of the relationship, hugs and other non-coercive affection, or other comforting words, or the use of other safety tactics to liberate you.
PREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Lacks severe mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. (This is the opposite of part of the definition of BPD). Whenever someone in your life reacts the same way at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and sticks to it the next, or likes something you do one day and likes it again the next, you are being supported with predictable responses.
This behavior is healing because it allows you to relax. You need not wait for the other shoe to drop, and you can know for certain what's expected of you. You need not remain hypervigilant as you know that the other person will not subject you to an outburst or dramatic change of mood. An alcoholic or drug abuser outside of treatment is unlikely to act predictably.
Living with someone like this is tremendously relaxing and anxiety soothing, causing the supported person to feel constantly safe, centered and at their ease.
TRUTHTELLING: The other person will confirm, even when uncomfortable or embarrassing, that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know for certain that you can rely on their word. The other person will support your perceptions, memory and very sanity through accurate recounting of events from their perspective. In supporting persons with mental illness, the other person will carefully and faithfully report accurately on events which may be remembered differently by the person being supported.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION: The other person may deliberately avoid unnecessary arguments and carefully manage any conflict with others. The person may be "allergic to drama" since it creates unhealthy tensions and damages relationships. (Many people are allergic to drama.) Conflicts take place within defined boundaries, respect each person's feelings, and encourage each party to take responsibility for and contribute to a mutually agreeable solution.
// End
A "reversal" is a deliberate and conscious re-writing of a piece of work with the idea of turning the concept of its head. Heavy use of antonyms is one of the techniques employed. Much as "rapturist" is the opposite of "terrorist," this article is intended to reverse "emotional abuse" and create from it "emotional support."
For additional head spinning, click here to see it in split screen goodness. (Requires frames.)
// Begin
Emotional support refers to a long-term situation in which one person uses his or her power or influence to positively affect the mental well-being of another. Emotional support can appear in a variety of forms, including acceptance, encouraging social interactions and friendships, creation and support of boundaries, and most importantly, creation of safety.
Contents
* 1 Definition of Emotional Support
* 2 Types of Emotional Support
Definition of Emotional Support
Emotional support is any behavior that is designed to free another person through the use of reassurance, praise, and verbal or physical positive feedback. It can include verbal interaction and constant praise to more subtle tactics like taking a person's desires into consideration, encouraging self decision-making, and showing unconditional love.
Emotional support is like brainwashing in that it systematically builds up the target's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in his/her perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it be by constant reassurance and emotional support, by granting permission and freedom to express desires and act in accord, or under the guise of "tough love" or freedom to make one's own mistakes, the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient gains a stronger sense of self and learns to recognize their personal value.
Emotional support adds to the very core of a person, healing scars that may be longer-lasting than physical ones. With emotional support, the praise, freely given gifts, unconditional love and reassurance of trust slowly grow the target's self-esteem until he/she is capable of judging the situation realistically. They have become so built up emotionally that they love themselves and reject abusive behaviors. Their self-esteem is so high that they may feel no need to cling to their supporter.
Emotional supported persons can become so convinced that they are valuable that they believe that many others could desire them. They may stay in supportive situations but do not believe they have nowhere else to go. They take pleasure in the company of others, but do not fear being all alone.
Types of Emotional Support
Following are types of emotional support:
FREEDOM: Someone wants to give you the freedom to act in accordance with your own desires. They want you to get your own way, and will resort to gift-giving and subordination of their own goals to make sure you get it. When you allow someone else to uplift and exalt you, you can gain respect for yourself.
VERBAL SUPPORT: praising, defending, accepting, pet names, calm speech, acceptance, positive reinforcement, accurate feedback, and using honesty and tact. Accepting you as you are, flaws and all and appreciating you in front of others. Over time, this type of support builds your sense of self confidence and self-worth.
REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS: The other person creates reasonable boundaries and wants you to take care of your needs before helping them with theirs. They could ask for and freely give attention, tactfully request sex and cheerfully accept any response, or show their appreciation for time spent with you. They are happy to accept and are genuinely thankful for what you give, it's always enough. You are subjected to constant praise, and you are not expected to fulfill all this person's needs.
UNCONDITIONAL EMOTIONAL GIVING: The other person addresses your fears, reassures that you have done nothing wrong, acknowledges your beliefs and values, and scrupulously avoids using blackmail or other "hot buttons" to get what they want. This could include reassurances of the status of the relationship, hugs and other non-coercive affection, or other comforting words, or the use of other safety tactics to liberate you.
PREDICTABLE RESPONSES: Lacks severe mood changes or sudden emotional outbursts. (This is the opposite of part of the definition of BPD). Whenever someone in your life reacts the same way at different times to the same behavior from you, tells you one thing one day and sticks to it the next, or likes something you do one day and likes it again the next, you are being supported with predictable responses.
This behavior is healing because it allows you to relax. You need not wait for the other shoe to drop, and you can know for certain what's expected of you. You need not remain hypervigilant as you know that the other person will not subject you to an outburst or dramatic change of mood. An alcoholic or drug abuser outside of treatment is unlikely to act predictably.
Living with someone like this is tremendously relaxing and anxiety soothing, causing the supported person to feel constantly safe, centered and at their ease.
TRUTHTELLING: The other person will confirm, even when uncomfortable or embarrassing, that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. You know for certain that you can rely on their word. The other person will support your perceptions, memory and very sanity through accurate recounting of events from their perspective. In supporting persons with mental illness, the other person will carefully and faithfully report accurately on events which may be remembered differently by the person being supported.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION: The other person may deliberately avoid unnecessary arguments and carefully manage any conflict with others. The person may be "allergic to drama" since it creates unhealthy tensions and damages relationships. (Many people are allergic to drama.) Conflicts take place within defined boundaries, respect each person's feelings, and encourage each party to take responsibility for and contribute to a mutually agreeable solution.
// End
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Thank you for this post, I am putting it in my personal files to read over again once in a while.
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Did you write this reversal? In any case, it's wonderful.
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May I add one thing? When you're wrong -- and everyone is from time to time -- the emotionally supportive partner helps you face the problem, recognize your responsibility, and figure out a solution, all without adding to your shame. Sometimes an emotionally supportive partner can even help you stop pouring shame, reproach, and self-hatred on yourself.