April Fool . . or is it?

Academic Restraining Order

Know ye by these presents that by mutual agreement, the University of California at Irvine and the social ecologist XXXXXXXXX (also known by the psuedonym "drewkitty") shall maintain permanent residence at least four hundred statute miles away from each other.

Causus Belli

1. "Fiat lux" (let there be light) is not intended to apply to academic politics.
   
2. . . . nor California state politics.
   
3. . . . nor the University of California budget.
   
4. . . . nor the correlation between ownership of certain construction companies and the presence of certain wealthy businesspeople on the Board of Regents.
   
5. In fact, let's forget the whole damn motto, shall we?
   
6. Social ecology shall not be used to study the phenomenon of the street gang.
   
7. There are no gangs in Irvine.
   
8. The presence of a "gang unit" is not proof that there are gangs in Irvine.
   
9. The Irvine Highway Patrol (ahem, Irvine Police) is not a gang.
   
10. Correlations between gang behavior and Irvine police behavior are inappropriate.
    
11. Driving While Asian is neither a diagnosis nor a phenomenon.
    
12. Judges are never wrong.
    
13. Professors are never wrong.
    
14. A judge, who is also a professor, is never ever ever wrong.
    
15. The success of the UCI Fertility Lab was not caused by an ejaculating lab tech.
    
16. The success of the Willed Body Program was not caused by selling body parts at auction.
    
17. The failure to win program approval for the UCI Law School had nothing to do with either of the above, or drewkitty's extensively annotated commentary.
    
18. There is nothing at all wrong with having criminal justice professors analyze statistical data to prioritize the prosecution of "Three Strikes" offenders.
    
19. Even when this is harm to a research subject.
    
20. Even when there is a high correlation between being gang-labeled and being non-white.
    
21. Even when jokingly over a beer, it is admitted [STRONG EDIT] . . .
    
22. Deviance on the Internet is not a socially useful research topic.
    
23. Graduate students may not apply for tenure. Even if they teach.
    
24. Bringing unexploded psychological cluster ordinance to UCI instead of the UCI Acute Psychiatric Ward.
    
25. Supporting the continued existence of the Irvine Meadows West trailer park, now a parking lot.
    
26. Now a half-empty parking lot.
    

Consequences of Violation

If the University of California, Irvine violates this Order, drewkitty reserves the right to Bitterly Mock and Humiliate Said Academic Institution.

If drewkitty violates this order, the University of California, Irvine shall foreclose on student loans otherwise held in abeyance.

Points

• Residence is not the same as "temporarily remain within four hundred miles of" . . .
  
• Any entry of drewkitty to UC Irvine for a lawful business purpose cannot be prevented.
  
• Any University entity or activity which provides drewkitty with a pretext shall be fined $10,000 from its next budget cycle.
  
• Yes, this includes Alumni Fund.